Part 5
OFFICIAL SCRIPT By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma PART 5: Present day, in Washington, D.C. It shows the Capitol, pans underground to a secret, high-tech war room. A really long board table is there, and everyone is yelling amongst themselves. Pan from left to right, showing all the secretaries, all of them are yelling on their phones. Shows their name-tags. (description is given) 1st: Secretary of Defense (old white guy) 2nd: Secretary of Homeland Security (old white guy) 3rd: Secretary of Interior (old white guy) 4th: Secretary of Interior Design (really gay guy) SECRETARY OF INTERIOR DESIGN: Red, white, and blue is soooooo last season. 5th: Secretary of Hookers (John Edwards, who is not at the table, he is… busy :D) 6th: Secretary of Economy (middle aged guy) 7th: Secretary of Un-Economy (middle aged guy) Economy and Un-Economy are constantly fighting 8th: Secretary of Science (a black Albert Einstein) 9th: Secretary of Magic: (a stereotypical wizard with DnD papers and multiple multi-sided die) 10th: Secretary of Apples: (a guy with a giant barrel full of apples, just viciously eating them) SECRETARY OF APPLES: I GET PAID TO DO THIS! 11th: Secretary of War (General T. Payne) 12th: Secretary of Boats (T. Pain) 13th: President Crazy British Guy (at the head of the table, sitting behind a giant mound of tater tots) There’s also a panel of Secret Service and scientists working with a giant chalkboard. One of the scientists walks up to Crazy British Guy, who has a map of the world in front of him. He is laughing maniacally and putting nukes on various countries, focusing primarily on China. CRAZY BRITISH GUY (as he’s moving the nukes around): Wot wot! We don’t need these guys around! There’s too many of these anyway!! Australia?! What the bollocks in an Australia?! I think we got an extra one of those lying around. Might as well just blow this one up! One of the government agents, Malcolm Ruffings walks up, clears his throat. MALCOLM RUFFINGS: Um, President British Guy? We— CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Please, just call me Crazy! RUFFINGS: Um, no thanks, I’ll just stick with Mr. President. Crazy British Guy is stuffing his face with tater tots. Looks up from rabid feasting. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Whazzat? You say something lad? RUFFINGS: Well, we’ve been looking over your plans. And, uh, remember that giant hole you drilled through the whole world? Shows the hole through the planet. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Ah yes! Wonderful plan, wonderful! RUFFINGS: Yeah, well turns out that that's pretty much impossible. Scientists around the world are literally going on psychotic rampages because of the impossibility. Congratulations, Mr. President, you broke the laws of physics. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Oh, don’t call me Mr. President. Call me… Overlord of the Human Race. You know what? Kneel! Everybody kneel! KNEEL BEFORE YOUR CREATOR! The tater tot crumbs start to trickle down his face. The room is silent for a while. RUFFINGS: Sir… I’m thinking that your new… diabolical plan may not sit well with the public. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Ah ha, you’re so funny with your “sense of morality” balderdash. You’re giving me a jolly chuckle. Keep- keep goin’. Go tell some jokes man! RUFFINGS: This is no joke, sir. Your public needs a president they can trust. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Oh, I’ll just leave that public relations stuff to my Vice President! Come out, Crrrrraig! COUNT CRRRRRAIG: A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaaaa!!!! Lightning as he walks in. This time, he really is a zombie, and looks like one too, with decomposing skin. RUFFINGS: (sigh) So, you think a zombie is going to quell public unrest?! CRRRRRAIG: YEEEESSSSS!!! A-A-A-A-A-AAAAAAA!!!! A worm comes out of his nose and goes into his tear duct in his eye. He snorts the worm back in. Flashback to V.P. Crrrrraig giving a speech to the masses. CRRRRRAIG: …and in conclusion, I am not a zombie!! A-A-A-A-A-AAAA- (jaw unhinges and eyes start to bleed. He fixes this quickly) Somehow, the crowd doesn’t seem to notice. GUY IN CROWD: Man, this Count Crrrrraig fellow seems like a real swell guy! He really does feel like a winner! I sure believe him that he is not a zombie. OTHER GUY IN CROWD: I dunno…. something does seem off about him…………………………………must be his tie. Yep. Cut back to present day. CRRRRRAIG: A-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaaaa! RUFFINGS: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LAUGHING?! CRRRRRAIG: It’s a disease!!! A-A-A-AAAAA (turns to sobbing, then back to laughing again) Crazy British Guy laughs along. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Where’d that blasted bird get off to? He was supposed to be here an hour ago! You’d think he’d know what time it is now that I installed Big Ben II! Shows the Washington Monument with a giant crudely-drawn spray painted clock on the front. RUFFINGS: I can’t believe that cost $50 billion. Suddenly, the Andybird flies in. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Who’s my little hell-spawn? You are! Yes you are! You want a treat? He puts a tater tot in its mouth, with the Andybird then eats. They look over to the table, where everyone is staring blankly back. SECRETARY OF INTERIOR DESIGN: Oh, you rascals!! ANDYBIRD: Kah-haaaaah! His robotic eye projects a hologram of The Grüp. MANFRED: Alright, I guess we’re going to Jolly Old Cuba. The hologram ends. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Good find, my feathered friend. Looks like they’re catching on to our plan… CRRRRRAIG: What should we do about them?....................... A-a. CRAZY BRITISH GUY: We shouldn’t let them find out about BiTC…Oh, we’ll let them have their fun! In the meantime, nukes! Everyone write the name of a country and put it in a hat!